Come Closer

How much can be learned about person in fleeting moments? Is it possible to learn someone's insecurities or fears by holding their hands? Or take notice of a stranger's personality trait by a single seemingly inconsequential action?

I don't have the answers to these questions, only experiences which made me wonder. By enjoying sitting in the front of the bus, does that mean I have control issues? The driver that one night seemed to think so. I found particularly uncalled for. It's hardly a control issue. If I asked to drive the bus, then, maybe he'd have some ground. Even though I never saw him again, his one senseless comment made me think. I don't play musical chairs on express buses because I like the adrenaline of stopping short and guessing just how close I can come to the windshield. I play musical chairs to get to the front because I get nervous I'll miss my stop (Stranger things have happened). Why do I even feel the need to justify myself? Can't sitting in front be my prerogative without some sort of underlying psychological condition driving it?

It is my prerogative. I don't have control issues. (I bet a bunch of you will beg to differ.) What's next? I like sitting near the window because I'm a closet escapist? (I so am.)

Sometimes I wonder how transparent I really am. I try to be opaque as possible, primarily among people I'm not entirely familiar with. I never really wear my heart on my sleeve and divulge secrets to as few people as my sanity will allow. That, though, depends on the magnitude of how reckless and stupid of an act I've committed, which, as of late, has been increasing.

Maybe it can be psychosomatic in a way; a self-fulfilling prophecy. The momentary description of myself that I received recently by someone who is not a stranger but not a close friend baffled me. I was literally speechless for a second and for once thanked the loud music for drowning out whatever quip I gargled out.

Just because someone says something unsettling doesn't make it true. Or does it become truth with extra analyzing? Will I eventually believe it if I consider it long enough?

I hope not. Not just for this wayward comment, but for any rogue statement. I should believe myself, no one else. Unfortunately, though, I don't think it always works that way.