Sometimes I Wish...

I could shut myself up.

I talk to myself more than I talk to anyone else. They say you're not crazy as long as you don't respond. And I don't. So through a rather vague technicality I can consider myself sane. While I beg to differ, I won't argue with conventional standards.

I'm my own worst critic when it comes to a lot of things. Actually, make that everything. Which is fine. Really. Except when you can't get away from yourself. I can never really shut myself up. If I'm planning on doing something potentially idiotic, the id part of me will be like, "YEAH! GO FOR IT!" while the poor superego has to internalize all of this. It wins most of the time, and prevents me from getting horrendously wasted or going streaking or committing mass homicides (see TheList).

But sometimes, when all of the warring factions in my head start going at each other, I really want them to shut. the. fuck. up. It also makes me wonder which part of my psyche I'm really thinking with. Is it raw, pleasure-principled id? I always thought of myself as pleasure-driven. Why do something I don't want to do? Makes perfect sense to me - I'm an Eros-driven kinda chick.

Even with that. I still want to be quiet. I can't even get away from myself when I'm sleeping. All of my dreams have that characteristically-Jenny sound. All of the things I fear, hate, love, desire - are all in there with equally-realistic and bothersome commentary. I can deal without your quips, Subconscious. Thanks.

My friend, TG, linked me to a book online that reads a lot like Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide. It must be the British humor that attracts me. I think that if I could spice up my inner monologue, I'd give it a British accent. Then, all my sub/semi conscious replies to myself can have that witty, dry, fabulous tone. Maybe then I'd like listening to myself more often.

Mirror Mirror

I wonder if everyone has a day at some point in their lives when they realize exactly what and how much they're really capable of. Not necessarily in a bad way or a good way, but an action or a thought that will make you go, holy shit, did I just do that? Did that succession of thoughts really run through my mind?

I'm not saying I did anything. Don't get any ideas now. But I suppose I've had those moments where I may have been possessed to do something and greatly impacted my sense of self without actually doing whatever it was I set out to do. Or tried to, anyway.

Complicated, I know. Aren't we all?

Maybe as we get older and have a better handle on ourselves do we take the most risks. I think it's only you're confident that you can be the most reckless. By that point you know what you're capable of, what you can handle - what better way to rebel against social or self-imposed constructs than taking self-shattering risks? Making potentially terrible decisions knowing perfectly well how absolutely ridiculous they are and yet reveling in every minute of it.

Sure, that seems a little stupid. But why not? It's taxing to be smart all the time. To be quick on the uptake. Whatever happened to slow on the downturn? Sometimes it's better be running with the crowd instead of ahead of the race.

Funny how things work out, isn't it? You can wake up in the morning with one sense of purpose, one sense of intent for that particular day and in the end, accomplish the exact opposite of what you intended. One step forward and two steps back happens so quickly in life. I'm not a believer in fate, destiny, or a higher power. I worship myself and the power and novelty of coincidence. What a coincidence can make us do crazy, crazy things.

To hell with it. Sometimes crazy is good.